The Antiques Roadshow: Strange and Unusual Objects
by cagd
Summary: Buffy, strapped for cash, decides to see what she can get for Angel. And for you Preacher fans, Tulip and Cass make an appearance. Let's be frank, this is a stupid story, but it might make you laugh. Maybe.


"I'm Percival Pratt and welcome to the "Unusual Objects" edition of _The Antiques Road Show_. Today we'll be taking a look at the many amazing and wonderful antiques that don't specifically fall into any particular category. So here we are with our first eager owner, and your name Miss?"  
"Summers, Buffy Summers."  
"Well, Miss Summers, what potential treasure have you brought for us to appraise today?"  
"I brought my sort-of-a-boyfriend, Angel."  
"Miss Summers, that's not an antique, that's a person. _We don't do people. _He doesn't even look old enough to be considered a collectible even if we did."  
"He's over 200 years old and a vampire."  
"_Indeed_, young lady. How do you know?"  
"He told me right after he tried to bite me."  
"Uh, I'm 247 years old."  
"Well, if that's the case, Miss Summers, how long have you had him in the family?"  
"He's been hanging around and stalking me for over a year. I can't afford a restraining order right now. I wanted to know if he was worth anything on the open market so I brought him here."  
"Indeed. And his provenance?"  
"Uhhhh...Ireland?"  
"What about the accent? It appears to be missing."  
"Yeah, Angel, what about the accent?"  
"Nobody takes a vampire with a brogue seriously. I took speech lessons in the late 1800s so my victims wouldn't laugh at me when I accosted them in the dark."  
"But you, _ahem_, ate them anyway?"  
"Yes, but it was embarrassing - even after I bit them, they died laughing at me every time I said "Faith and begorrah but I do be wantin' teh suck yeh bluid!", so I hired a dialect coach. Before I ate him, I made sure to never miss a lesson so I got my money's worth as well as a good meal."  
"Right… Well, Miss Summers, aside from biting people, what else does he _do_?"  
"Angel lurks. He's very good at lurking, aren't you honey? Oh, and there's nothing like him for dark brooding angst. He's really good at dark brooding angst, right sweetie?"  
"I see, he lurks. And he's frequently depressed. And the appraisal? Never mind, Security! Would you mind showing these two where the exit is? Thank you. Ahem, now…"  
"Wait, waaaaaaait! I have a matched set if you don't like this one! Willow, Xander, go drag Dru and Spike out of the trunk of mom's car, I'm sure we can get something for a set even if both are like, really seriously twisted!"

(Station identification break where as this is a PBS station, you the viewer are guilted into sending them money to pay for what you've just seen otherwise the Republicans will take away all their funding or something like that…)

"Well, we're back, and now we have a Mrs. Jessie Custer of Dallas, Texas. And what have you brought us to look at today?  
"Well, Cass is my husband's best friend and he does absolutely nothing but lay around the house all day and run around all night like some big dirty tomcat. I'm tired of him burning holes in the upholstery of the couch when I open the drapes in the morning. So, what will you give me for his lazy bogtrottin' ass?"  
"(Dear God, two in one night!) Ahem, as earlier stated, we don't do people."  
"Cass isn't people, he's a vampire; he's over 80 years old- look at that patina, you just don't find stubble like that on your average loafer!"  
"A vampire? My good woman, I find that difficult to believe, Cass as you call him, looks more like a juvenile delinquent badly in need of a bath and a shave. Where are his fangs? Young man, take that silver Faberge table lighter out of your pocket!"  
"Well, Mr. Pratt, before I pour gasoline over Cass and strike a match, how much will you give me for him?"  
"Madame we don't do that. Young man, put down that corkscrew! That bottle of champagne retrieved from the Titanic is worth over $50,000!"  
"Hey, can I at least swap him for one of your stupid t-shirts?"  
"Mrs. Custer... no, not that, you just drank $50,000 worth of rare champagne in one go! Put out that cigarette and get off that Regency end table with those motorcycle boots!  
"So, how much!"  
" Young man I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Lady, $70,000!"  
"Fuck! I knew that luring him into trunk of my car with a bottle of Jack Daniels and then driving up here was worth the time and effort. What I could do with $70,000 now that the baby's coming!"  
"Mrs. Custer, $70,000 is what you owe for all the damage your alleged "antique" did in the last five minutes, including the dry cleaning bill for my suit after he vomited $50,000 worth of rare champagne down the front of my suit! Help, Security, get him off of me!"  
_(Voiceover: We are sorry, but this show has been abbreviated for technical reasons. We will now bring you This Old House 45 minutes earlier than originally scheduled.")_


End file.
